Yesterday, I took it upon myself - dedicated servant to the people of the Internet that I am - to predict the fates of some of next season's new television hopefuls. In lieu of pilot screeners or genuine critical talent, I've opted to approach this task with the next best thing: a preposterous gimmick: Which shows will wind up on the scrap heap before finishing out a season, like last year's poster child of ineptitude, The Cape? And which will become the sort of Nielsen-slobbering stalwarts that run for six seasons and a movie, as a normally wise man once predicted for that selfsame The Cape?
Today, I check in on CBS, which continues to dance with the fluffy multi-camera sitcoms and moody procedurals that brung 'em to the network TV catbird seat.
Two Broke Girls
Mondays, 8:30 p.m. EST / 7:30 CST
The Premise: Caroline has lived most everywhere from Zanzibar to Barclay Square (or their nearest 2011 equivalents). Meanwhile, Max has only seen the sights a girl can see from Brooklyn Heights, or maybe the Village, or whatever neighborhood Michael Patrick King thinks working class people in New York City live in these days. What a crazy (though neither identical nor related) pair!
The Prediction: Six Seasons And A Movie. Most of the jokes are trying too hard (like another King series that got six seasons and two movies), but if the writing eases and finds a rhythm, leads Kat Dennings (definitely) and Beth Behrs (apparently) can carry a light, Big Bang-y show off well.
A Gifted Man
Fridays, 8 p.m. EST / 7 CST
The Premise: A boorish man is guided to wisdom and compassion by a tiny green space alien that only he can see. Wait, what? Sorry. By the ghost of his dead wife that only he can see.
The Prediction: Six Seasons And A Movie. Did you know that Touched By An Angel ran for NINE seasons? No, you did not. Do you know who did know that? Everyone who will watch this show.
Tuesdays, 10 p.m. EST / 9 CST
The Premise: CSI: Marilu Henner.
The Prediction: Six Seasons And A Movie And Three Spin-offs. According to the clip, 6 people in the United States have “perfect memory,” and if CBS has anything to say about it, every one will turn out to be a police detective with a haunted past.
How To Be A Gentleman
Thursdays, 8:30 p.m. EST / 7:30 CST
The Premise: A dapper, refined, socially awkward writer named Andrew meets a... wait a second. [Wikipedias “likeness rights”... Shit.] Anyway. Meets a dimwitted clod who teaches him how to behave more manly, even though he’s plenty manly and does just fine with the ladies to boot, thank you very much.
The Prediction: Six Seasons And A Movie. I’m being generous, largely out of affection for Dave Foley and Mary Lynn Rajskub. But I fear cleaving Barney Stinson’s Bro Code into its id and superego components will wear thin quickly.
Person of Interest
Thursdays, 9 p.m. EST / 8 CST
The Premise: Jim Caviezel has some sort of power to stop violent crimes before they happen. Or maybe Michael Emerson does, but he needs Caviezel to shoot dudes in the leg and toss off raspy-voiced threats. I've watched it twice and I'm still sort of fuzzy on the details.
The Prediction: Real-Life The Cape. But pop in a jauntier soundtrack, a sunnier color scheme, and a set of shades for Caviezel, and USA will snap it right up.